Blogging

I don’t know why I continue to trust people, especially the same people who have already betrayed me somehow. I know I want someone to really love me but why torture myself looking for that love from the same people I have never really got it from to begin with. He may really love me but only when and how he wants. He may be incapable of truly ever understanding my “issues” and he definitely doesn’t care to empathize with them or my feelings. He often does the exact opposite of what I say I need or want, almost as if he likes to see me lose it in one way or another. The worst part is that it will never stop, so if he really is the one person to love me unconditionally, that love is never going to be enough to guard me from the other part of him that loves to watch me fall. I don’t want to believe he is anything like my mother but how would I know even if he was. Im probably the most naïve person alive and a five year old could probably manipulate me and I wouldn’t even know it. I am far too trusting, far too oblivious to true intentions in people. Plus I expect people to be like I am…caught up in my own life and thoughts entirely too much to be concerned with who, why, or what someone else is doing in their life. Live and let live. I mind my own business and you mind yours. Don’t lie to me or play with my family or my head and don’t put my business true or not out there for anyone to know. It all sounds like common sense, privacy, and respect to me but in todays world noone knows what any of that means anymore. I never in a million years would have thought that my mother is who she is or would do what she is doing. I don’t even want to imagine what shes really capable of if this was so easy for her to do. She fought so hard to be able to have me, claimed to want me oh so bad, but can turn and abandon me, and set out to ruin my entire life any way she can. It’s a fucking lifetime movie if I ever saw one. I wonder who will play me. I wonder how it will end. With me in prison for her murder…..with a happy ever after for her or me? Will the good guy prevail in reality or is that just what they show in the movies to fool us all into thinking positive? For a while now Ive thought about blogging and seeing if I would be good at it but I wasn’t sure I wanted people to know what I was thinking and feeling or going through. But after writing this I may have to try. I have so much shit in my head all the time. Maybe someone will be amused or learn something….(scary) from all this chaos in my life….