I am not trying to get sympathy or pity from anyone. I do not want to portray a victim mentality, I have thrown away the panties cause i don’t have time to pull them up. I am an adult, I am a survivor, I am a mother, I am a woman, and I am not crazy as I have been made to believe most of my life. My entire life I have been involved with people with some form of border line personality disorder or narcissism. My mother is a malignant narcissist and my ex of 13 years is a narc as well. I was not even aware of the reality of my situation for many, many years. I had no idea what was happening or that this kind of thing even had a name. I never knew it existed. I knew I felt and saw or thought things werent exactly right some how but I never would have guessed what was really taking place behind my naivety. I have been forced to wake up. I have had no choice. When my mother started to be afraid that I was going to be more than capable of living and raising my child without her intervention, she enlisted my whole family first with the intent to destroy my life and take my children while making me seem like i was a bad mom and she was their savior. Then she manipulated the system in helping her to destroy me. She plays a good martyr. She is a very mentally disturbed woman for many reason and due to a number of different factors. I did not realize any of this however until my life was in pieces all over the floor and i was left alone, cleaning up the mess from a storm I never even knew hit me. Hell I never even knew that kind of a storm existed.
Growing up I thought I had the perfect family. I even bragged about it to many friends over the years. I never needed anything, I was an only child and was spoiled. I had strict rules I thought but everything I had experienced to me seemed normal. It was my normal and I didn’t even think any further than that. I never questioned if things were different for any one else. It just was how it was for me and that was that. When my world crumbled was when I began trying to figure out what it was that I had done wrong my whole life to deserve to be in that much pain and lose everything like I had. I always believed, I was always made to think, that all my troubles were my own fault and that I just made bad decisions and screwed up alot. It made sense, I mean every time I tried to do something right or gained some ground in life, something would happen to take it all away or someone would do something to prevent me from getting or having something. It was literally as if trouble would follow me, and I wasnt the only one to notice. Others have made comments to me about how they couldn’t believe someone could have so many things keep going wrong all the time. My quest to better myself and my life by understanding why I thought and acted how I did (because I thought I just wasnt good enough or was just a fuck up), is what led me to the discovery of the puzzle piece that showed me the big picture that until then was far too big for me to see. Ever since this discovery my days are like a rerun of my life over the years. Memories of things that were said or done coming in flashes. Sometimes in rapid succession showing me all the signs and clues that something was very wrong. Words and phrases that seemed odd to me when they were said that now make too much sense. So much in fact that I am shocked that I could have overlooked it all since I was the one it was happening to. Almost literally as if I had just been unplugged and could see the world how it really exists.
Still even with others seeming to notice the disfunctional pattern in my life, I can not get not even one person to understand the depths of what has actually been happening. Some of them believe some of it, but most of them have a hard time believing any of it if I get their attention to hear it at all. My mother told them everything, true or not, that they felt they needed to know to convict me of everything she said i had done and discard me. We all grow up being told not to be a snitch, but the first one to tell is usually the first one they believe. So if you dont snitch ahead of the next person, chances are you will end up being guilty whether you are or not. That has been a consistent theme in my life. I have some how managed to come out of this experience, not even knowing what the real problem was, with a stronger sense of self and more confidence than I ever even thought I had to begin with. I have matured and learned from the things I have done as mistakes and what others have done to cause me pain. I have gained knowledge and insight that most people never get. The problem i am experiencing now is not one that I have to fight inside myself. Though i admit i am still dealing with those demons, I have done a good job at taming most of them thus far and wll continue to do so. However, i cant figure out how to finish healing or repairing damage that has been done if i am still being forced to be bitten. My abuser is being given even more power than she has already had by the same people who are suppose to be protecting my family and helping us through this time in our life. You may be thinking that they are just doing what they think is right because they, like all the others, have been manipulated and brain washed by my mother. They dont know they are hurting us you are probably saying to yourself. They honestly believe they are helping others will explain. The reality though, is that it is not helping, this is not what is best for me or my daughter, and they know exactly what they are doing. They are doing it intentionally. They are maliciously attempting to erase me from her world, collect government funds for doing so, and doing it with no guilt or remorse for the pain and trauma they cause my family. They are disregarding our rights, stealing our security and destroying our relationship with absolutely no consequences and no one to hold them accountable for it. Even when I can get people to listen and see at least part of what is happening, they claim that i am focusing on blaming them instead of fixing the problem. They don’t seem to realize that it is them that is the problem. It is not me or what i did to deserve to have her taken. Nothing i have done justifies what is happening to us. Nothing that i personally do to “satisfy” their demands will make it stop or cause it to end the way it should. They don’t care about my child or me. They don’t care what is really in her best interest. What they care about is what is in their best interest……which is money, control, power, and personal/professional gain.
And until we stand up for ourselves and stop letting this happen, they will continue to get away with it. We consent to them governing us, we consent to them placing restrictions and rules on our daily activities, we are consenting to letting them destroy our families. Stop giving them that power. Stop consenting to their abuse.
Perfectly Imperfect 